The plot so far:
-Empire builds a Death Star
-Empire builds a bigger Death Star
And now… Wait for it…
-Empire builds EVEN bigger Death Star
I lost the will to watch with Annie’s lamesaber fight on the volcanic planet Oneitis. If Vader is pozzed, what else is there? Jamaicans vs. Chinese? Not hard to guess how that one turns out. Queen Amygdala was plucked well before coming of age, anyhow.
The entire Star Wars franchise is actually just a fever dream of uneducated adolescent moisture farmer Luke Skywalker, while he attempts to escape his crushingly boring existence by huffing paint at Mos Eisley.
Obviously planet busting is trivial for a civilization that possesses hyperdrive. Any cargo-freighter rustbucket could do it.
We must forgive Luke’s poverty of imagination; he has a lot of issues upstairs. The dream sequence is rich with fodder for Freudian analysis, from the hellfire death of his religious fundamentalist parents, to his sister-lust and the loss of his wanking hand. However, it is his cathartic obsession with thermal exhaust ports that reveals his true destiny amidst the alleyways of the galaxy’s Sodom and Gomorrah.
Through his superhuman powers of Eastern relaxation, this Twink is indeed master of the burning rod!
Why do sequels tend to suck?
It’s r/K theory applied to art.
No-name artist trying to break out = harsh environment
Lauded popular high-status folks presiding over successful franchise sequels = free resources
Solution:
TruFans “crowdfund” sequels of successful franchises. Money goes into escrow. After viewing the sequel, each donator votes – either his money goes to a charity, or to the artist.
Multiply % “Yes” votes by creative controller’s contractual royalties to determine how much money he actually receives. Add pre-release donations from “Yes” voters. Voila: Fan accountability.
For example, if 50% of TruFans think the Empire Builds a Deathstar IV sucked, then George Lucas only gets 50% of his contractual royalties for the film. The other 50% go to charity.
The Real Star Wars
The real Sith Lords are the many elite worshippers of Lucifer, the shining one, Prince of the Air, god of this world. Illuminati, Shriner, Freemason, Bilderberg… whatever the name, it’s all the same.
The real Death Star is the nuclear tipped Federal Reserve, set to metamorphose into a digital Keynesian one-world currency that begins expiring from date of issue. (Spend it or lose it.)
The real Jedi are the sons of God.
The real Earth is Alderaan.
And there is no thermal exhaust port.
Star Wars: A Vision of Our Keynesian Future
It’s obvious. The Empire’s centralized economy is broken. To hide this fact, they need a war. So they fund a suitably ridiculous ragtag opposition. This absorbs malcontents and the unemployed, who can be harmlessly slaughtered by a surfeit of otherwise unemployable clone soldiers.
At the same time, the Empire focuses on building a Death Star. This intense industrial effort stimulates the entire galactic economy.
However, the Empire cannot actually USE a Death Star very much – not without wiping out its tax base. Sure, a few noisy nuisances and hippy preserves can be pruned, but no blowing up serious industrial planets. Also, once a Death Star is built, all that naval construction infrastructure becomes worthless, and the entire associated labor force is out of work. Whole economic sectors collapse.
The solution, of course, is to build another one. Which is why every Death Star comes with a fatal design flaw, which is transmitted to the Rebel Alliance via whatever Rebel agent is currently “infiltrating”. These idealistic yet morally flexible individuals are generally selected by Imperial officers for their hotness and boudoir enthusiasm. (Which goes a long way towards explaining Princess Leia’s multiple “captures” and “escapes”.)
