Mainstream evolutionary theory states that dolphins and whales evolved from some kind of primitive horse.
Stabilization Theory and I call bullshit. Horses don’t spend much time in the water. That makes for an implausible inter-species hybridization bridge. You need overlapping habitats to make sexytime happen.
Hippopotami and manatees make a more plausible case. No doubt they’re involved somehow. However, both are herbivores and thus poor matches for our primary suspect.
Once again we come back to the pig – an horny, indiscriminate semi-aquatic mammal. And its counterpart, the dolphin and porpoise – another horny, indiscriminate, fat-layered mammal.
Imagine for a moment a dolphin-pig hybrid. Sounds like a seal or walrus. It could work.
Remember, a distant hybridization event need only occur once. If it backcrosses into either parent population, a new species is born, and both species are permanently closer for the next event.
More likely there’s a webbed interbreeding relationship, as with waterfowl, stretching back into the distant and murky past.
So let’s take as given some kind of webbed gene flow between the semi aquatic piggy land animals and the fully aquatic cetaceans. What would this explain?
Humans bond quite well with dolphins. There’s a strong emotional compatibility. The parallels between pig and dolphin voluptuous playfulness are striking. A common piggy ancestor would explain that.
Human males enjoy sex with suspiciously accommodating female dolphins. No doubt pigs would too. Female dolphins are horny sluts, and likely form the basis for mermaid myths. Dudes are fucking them NOW, falling in love with them, in this age of internet porn. Imagine how a sailor cut off from anything female for months would view the opportunity. Mermaid.
However, it’s unlikely any hybridization event ever resulted. Human males are quite infertile. The causation must go the other way.
Male dolphins will also try to fuck anything that swims. Anatomically speaking, humans are well advised to limit themselves to handjobs if they wish to survive the experience – and our girls have happily obliged. Maybe something with a more robust vagina, such as a big sow, could handle it. Still, it seems far more likely the gene flow went the other way – horny boars on dolphin sluts. And horny boars on bonobo sluts. Thus our family resemblance.
How to test the theory? Here’s how not to test it: genetic similarity. Backcrossing erases that, using snippets from the primary parent to recode the one-off parent’s morphological legacy. A pig-dolphin type hybrid event wouldn’t be common, although maybe flow through intermediate stages is/was more frequent.
The undersea is a giant webbed fuckfest too, stretching all the way back to those extinct dino-whales. We should expect to find some blurry species and genus boundaries down there. Albeit the relationship to octopi and squid is pretty damn distant – hence why those critters remain wholly alien to our comprehension. The mechanics for interbreeding just aren’t there, any more than with a jellyfish.
(By the way, doesn’t evolution sound a helluva lot more robust once you account for everything fucking any available wet hole? And that’s before you realize all the chromosome folding tricks a sperm shotgun can fumble its way into.)
Back to testing, here are some options:
1. Boar on bonobo – the original experiment
2. Boar on woman – gross but feasible
3. Chimp on sub-Saharan African woman – closest human-animal hybridization opportunity available.
4. BEST OPTION: cat with rabbit = cabbit.
Option 4 would experimentally verify Stabilization Theory. Far as I can tell, everybody authoritative now denies that cabbits exist. Cats have 38 chromosomes (mostly), and European rabbits have 44. Some rural guy can build a pen, breed a bunch of cats and rabbits, and then have the resulting cabbits sequenced and dissected. Pretty low-cost project.
Not that anyone wants to prove this.
